The first R in the MY SCORECARD acronym from the MENTOR program stands for relationships, an essential part of human life.
People who have recently acquired a disability, diagnosis or health condition often face challenges in both existing and new relationships.
The increased need for assistance from a spouse, partner, loved one or personal care assistant can strain these relationships. The individual’s and family’s world can feel turned upside down, and a relationship already facing difficulties may be on the brink of collapse. Families often struggle to balance providing enough support without blocking the individual’s desire for independence.
These health conditions can affect social skills and speech which can make it difficult to relate others or take more time to process questions or requests. Friends and loved ones try to relate to the person like they did before the disability and may not realize that their communication methods must change to match the person’s comprehension level.
After a recent disability, diagnosis or new health condition, many people are unable to return to full-time work or find a job, with some opting for early retirement. Limited mobility, lack of transportation and the need for extra time to complete personal chores can strain existing relationships and negatively impact forming new ones. This often leads to high rates of loneliness, despair and depression.
Negativity, Pessimism and Criticism in Relationships
Negativity, pessimism and criticism create hurtful and painful relationships. No one likes to be around people who exhibit these behaviors.
These traits feed the ego. The ego wants and needs to feel superior to other people. Our egos thrive on negativity, pessimism or criticism to gain strength.
When your ego dominates a relationship, whether with spouses, family members, friends or coworkers, it focuses solely on its desires, ignoring the other person’s perspective. This leads to one-sided conversations and showing little interest in listening to others.
Unfortunately, most people never realize that their behavior is driven by their ego. However, if they were to look beyond the ego’s surface, they would discover joy, love and happiness.
Forming Positive Relationships
Forming positive relationships doesn’t come easily for many people and requires practice. Many factors play into building better relationships, but it ultimately comes down to three principles: nonresistance, nonjudgment and nonattachment.
- Nonresistance: This means not letting criticism get under your skin. If someone critiques your actions or decisions, resist the urge to react defensively. Instead, respond calmly and thoughtfully, avoiding hurtful exchanges.
- Nonjudgment: Avoid making accusations or judgments about others. It’s okay to disagree with someone’s actions but direct your comments to the behavior, not the person.
- Nonattachment: Throughout life, you’ll encounter people with high levels of negativity, criticism and pessimism. The first step in handling these difficult relationships is to recognize that their negativity stems from their ego, not from anything about you. Harsh words are ego-driven. Never attach a critical statement made by someone about you to who you are.
Three Ways to Handle a Challenging Relationship
Removal from the Situation:
The first defense against a toxic relationship is to remove yourself from the situation before it escalates. In relationships that must be maintained, such as with a spouse, partner, child or other family members, over time they will recognize that you will not engage their ego. They will learn that to maintain and grow the relationship, they must use positive, optimistic and objective statements instead of sarcastic or critical ones.
Changing the Situation:
Sometimes, it’s necessary to address the negative or critical comments that make the relationship difficult. This can be done without triggering the other person’s ego by using good timing, gentle expression and personalizing the feedback rather than criticizing. Changing the topic or offering a neutral comment can help.
Accepting the Situation:
If changing the situation isn’t possible, you may need to accept the current relationship while seeking ways to improve it. Acceptance doesn’t mean being a ‘punching bag’; you can still express your feelings positively and constructively.
Tips for Building Stronger Relationships
1. Reflect on Yourself
The first step in improving a negative relationship is to consider if you might be contributing to the issue. Reflect on your actions and words: Are you doing or saying something that triggers a negative reaction in the other person? In long-term relationships, past habits and unintentional statements can increase toxicity. Avoid comparing the present to the past, especially when someone is recovering from a disability or new health diagnosis.
2. The Power of a Smile
Even when you don’t feel well, a genuine smile can positively change interactions. A friendly smile can win over a new acquaintance or improve a relationship with a loved one, as it’s hard to be critical of someone warm and welcoming.
3. Make Eye Contact and Ask Questions
Strong relationships require good eye contact and active listening. Asking follow-up questions shows respect and interest, makes the other person feel comfortable, and fosters empathy and understanding.
4. Focus on the Positive
Amidst widespread negativity, finding something positive to say can strengthen relationships. Optimism, even in difficult times, can improve interactions and relationships.
5. Share Your Perspective Through Stories
Sharing your perspective through storytelling rather than strong opinions is effective. Stories capture attention, provoke emotions, elicit empathy and enhance recall.
6. Limit Screen Time
Screens can be distracting during conversations. Focus on the person you’re speaking with by removing yourself from the TV or having them turn off their devices for a dedicated time.
7. Prioritize Listening
Good relationships require listening as much as, if not more than, speaking. Listening shows interest in the other person and strengthens connections. Remember, “outflow equals inflow” – the more you listen, the more likely you’ll be listened to.
8. Value Silence
If you disagree with someone, sometimes it’s best to remain silent. Silence can prevent escalation, as arguments require two participants. Use the acronym WAIT (Why Am I Talking) to create space between a negative comment and your reaction.
9. Show Gratitude
Never take relationships for granted, especially when someone is helping you through a challenging time. Some people may feel a sense of entitlement because they are the ones with the disability/diagnosis and family members are expected to be supportive. Express gratitude regularly with simple words like “thank you” or “I appreciate everything you do for me.”
10. Be Aware of Negativity
Monitor how often you express negative, pessimistic or critical statements. Increasing awareness is the first step to reducing their frequency and fostering more positive interactions.
Summary
Relationships either make us strong and healthy or wear us down and damage our health but it starts with your actions. Avoid negative behaviors that can drive people away and prioritize good communication. Try these tips to maintain good relationships with family, friends and coworkers and build new relationships.
